dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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