STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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