I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
