Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
