you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize