Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
