respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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