I am puke
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize