I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
