Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
