ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
