My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
