if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
