some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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