I'm so fucking centered right now
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
