My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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