Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
