I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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