I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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