I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
is that a dick in a sweater?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I did not marry a roomba.
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