Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
