when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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