i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
