with your own penis?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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