Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
