I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I think I just sharted jello shots
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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