Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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