I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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