He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she peed on how many people?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
