I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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