I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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