You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
