I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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