I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
