I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
