I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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