Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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