NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
