omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
