Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize