im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
