I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
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