I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The Olympian is in my bed
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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