I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
