My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
