and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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