My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Randomize
