I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
