I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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