Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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