My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize