My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
