Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
