true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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