I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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