Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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