morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
