can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
