You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
